Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Allow Your Opponents to "Save Face."
HOW: Consider everyone's self image. If you can come up with a way for your opponent to compromise or even agree with you--without having to openly admit he or she was wrong before--they are much more likely to go along with your wishes. If you insist on embarassing or humiliating the other side, or giving them a future they can't live with--they will almost certainly continue the fight. Is it worth it?
WHY: Though anthropologists will assert that "face" is more important in high-context cultures than low, everyone seeks to protect their face--or public self-image. No one wants to be humiliated, and they tend to lash out and seek revenge when their face is attacked.
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Be Willing to Consider New Facts and Opinions
HOW: Talk with -- and empathically listen to -- people who are profoundly different from yourself, people from different identity groups, who believe different things. Read their literature, watch their news. Try hard to understand why they believe what they do and why they act as they do.
WHY: Conflicts escalate when each side develops an "enemy image" of the other and thereby rejects "the other's'" ideas without even really knowing what they are--or why they hold them. But one cannot make a fair judgment about what is right or wrong until one really understands each side. Often the answer is actually "some of both!"
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Listen Actively and Empathically
HOW: Take in information from others while remaining non-judgmental and empathetic, acknowledge the speaker in a way that invites the conversation to continue, and provide a limited but encouraging response, carrying the speaker's idea one step foward.
WHY: Empathic listening builds mutual understanding and trust.It enables the disputant to release their emtions without damage, it reduces tention, uncovers otherwise hidden information, and creates a safe environment for problem solving. Even when the conflict is not resolved, the listening process can have a profound impact on the parties, improving relationships and generating mutual respect.
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
If You're Not Part of the Solution You're Part of the Problem
HOW: Find some way to get involved and actively promote more constructive approaches to conflict--everyone can do something--within their family and/or their community to make our conflict enviornment less destructive.
WHY: The course of conflict is determined not by the actions of a few leaders (though that's obviously important). It is determined by the cumulative behavior of millions of grassroots citizens.
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Persuade People By Explaining What You Want Is Also in Their Interest
HOW: Figure out what your own and your opponents' interests are that underlie your and their overt positions. What do you and they really want? What is the reason they are taking the position they are taking?
WHY: If you can figure out a way to get your interests and needs met--while meeting at least some of theirs too--you are much more likely to get them to agree. This creates the proverbial "win-win," and makes it much more likely that you can actually reach an agreement with the other side.
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Focus on Fixing the Problem, Not Attacking People
HOW: Imagine yourself sitting beside someone are fighting with on one side of the table, looking at the problem you are both concerned about on the other side of the table. Then figure out how you can work together to address the problem.
WHY: When people are personally attacked, they tend to lash back and get defensive. They certainly don't cooperate with the attacker. But if you offer to team up with them to work to solve a problem they are concerned about--they are much more likely to be responsive.
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Sound the Alarm...About Destructive Conflict!
HOW: Whenever you get into a political discussion, or a discussion of any public policy problem--explain how continuing to fight the same fight is just digging us all into a deeper and deeper hole from which we can't ever escape.
WHY: People tend to be so focused on defending themselves from the "enemy," they don't notice that conflict dynamics are a bigger threat--and their defense from the enemy is actually making things worse for themselves as well.
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
Favor Co-existence over Total Victory Frames
HOW: Step back from the language of total victory and look for ways in which we can, despite deep difference, co-exist with our neighbors and countrymen (and women).
WHY: There is no way in which we will ever be able to compel our political opponents to abandon their beliefs, nor will we abandon ours. Unless we want civil war, co-existence is the only option!
Things everyone can do to limit destructive conflict:
First, Do No Harm
HOW: While one should stand up for ones' own beliefs, interests, and needs, people should still avoid doing things that unnecessarily hurt or anger the other side. Treat others the way you wish they would treat you!
WHY: Like disrespect and coercion, harm cyles. When people get hurt, they tend to lash back. "Wht goes around comes around" is trite--but it is very true in conflict!
